Personal Statement of Applicant

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As you know, we're in the process of weeding through the applications for
next year's class.  In an effort to empower the entire area, we're going to
review the top candidate's application together at happy hour.  Enclosed
please find the personal statement of Ms. Sahara J. Purcell.

Personal Statement for Sahara J. Purcell

Dear Men on the Admissions Committee,

I was born to be a psychologist, and I believe that The University of
Michigan is where I belong.

Did that get your attention?  Did you see the way I mentioned your school
right in the first line of my personal statement?  That shows that I really
care about your program.  

Let me tell you a little bit about me, so you can see that I belong at the
University of Michigan (see, I did it again!).  As a child, it was apparant
to everyone around me that I would be an important person.  In fact, my
parents used to tell me that I was their favorite person.  And they're not
stupid, so it must be true.

I led an extraordinary childhood.  I not only took a full load of classes
in grade school, I also had play dates 3-4 days a week.  Yet my work never
suffered.  My grade school report cards (enclosed with my application) show
that I received at least a letter grade in Every One Of My Classes.  In
addition to my studies, and my thriving social life, I also did many chores
- sometimes even if nobody asked me to.  Throughout these formative years,
I would always think to myself, "I want to study Cognitive Psychology at
the University of Michigan."  I can't believe that the chance is finally here.

Throughout high school, all my friends used to tell me that I should be a
psychologist because I used to help them when they had problems with their
boyfriends or parents.  Its like I always knew the right thing to say.
Like the time my friend Jenny had this crush on this total loser Joe
Gordon.  Joe was a real sleazoid, he was always hanging out near the girls
room and stuff, and I think he was really into Metallica or something
because he always wore those black shirts and stuff.  Anyway, I told Jenny
to stay away from him, and she did and she's really happy now and Joe is
like in prison or something.  And even she said that it was really good
that I told her that and that I should be a psychologist from the
University of Michigan.

After High School, I travelled around a bit.  I went everywhere.  From
Grand Rapids to Dearborn and Jackson, I saw the world.  I really learned a
lot about myself during that time.  Anyway, things were going good for me,
and that was the only time I would have thought that maybe I wouldn't go to
the University of Michigan, since being a stripper was paying so well.

But my life turned 360 degrees around one night.  I was watching some dumb
show with John Wayne on TNT (No, John Wayne wasn't watching with me, he was
*in* the show).  Anyway, I got bored and changed the channel.  As I was
flicking through the channels I saw that guy from MASH on TV.  You know,
Hawkeye, except he was a lot older and stuff.  Anyway, he was talking about
how there are these machines that let you look at people's brains (not
chainsaws).  He was talking to all these people in lab coats and they were
doing all these things with brains and memory and stuff.  It was at that
point that I renewed my interest in studying Cognitive Psychology at the
University of Michigan.

So anyway, I took the GRE's right after that.  I did very well, I scored in
the 1 percentile range on all three tests and the psychology subject test
(V=200, Q=200, A=200, P=200).  I figure you're probably very impressed to
see someone who does as well as only one percent of the subject pool.

Anyway, even though I never went to college or took a psychology class, I
feel like my life experiences make me a natural for psychology.  Besides,
I'm sure all your other applicants are from college, and having a bunch of
college people is gonna be really boring, but having someone like me would
make life a lot more interesting.  Did I mention I was a stripper?  Oh,
yeah, I guess I did.  Anyway, the real reason I want to study Cognitive
Psychology at the University of Michigan is to be able to be a therapist
like that squiggly cartoon guy on Comedy Central, except I wouldn't be as
boring.  Also, I want to make everyone call me Doctor.

I think I am a great match with the faculty at the University of Michigan.
I am particularly interested in the interesting work being done by Dr. Paul
Fitts.  If he isn't taking students, I would also like to work with Hawkeye
from MASH.  So please except me into your program.  You won't be sorry, and
I'll be proud to tell everyone that I am a Doctor from Stanford University.

Thank You,

Sahara J. Purcell

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