Dealing with Overpopulation

[ The Happy Hour Archive | ]

[Happy Hour:  4pm, Charley's ]

The environmentalists have been saying it for years, yet the problem seems
unimportant until it hits home.  I am, of course, referring to
overpopulation.  We've got a huge new class coming in next semester, we're
going to need some clever planning to solver our own overpopulation
problems.  Therefore, I humbly submit my suggestions for dealing with

*  Bunk-desks:  Stack 'em up - we currently waste tons of cubic yards of
space above the 4 foot mark

*  Introduce new students to the "screaming math tutor" - that should get
rid of a few

*  Early graduation:  In the world of big business they call it attrition.
A degree and a few recommendations, and we've got plenty of free offices

*  New prelim section:  The physical challenge.  Tennis vs. Frank,
Basketball vs. Dave, Giant Slalom vs. John, etc...

*  Hostile takeover of biopsych 

*  Introduce the "Big Buddy" program:  Untenured faculty get matched up
with faculty emeriti.  To cement the bond, they share an office.

*  Dedicate window space to advertising to fund students

*  Trailer in Atrium + Card Tables + Milk Crates = Cognition Office Annex

*  Shane's idea:  Get a shrinking machine, then we can fit in a shoebox.

*  Make "publish or perish" really mean something

*  Enact a "swing shift" - allows for office sharing

*  Institute a "semester abroad" program at EMU

*  Make money selling fMRI images at Art Fair

*  Don't come to happy hour?  Don't come to work!

Save your job.  Come to happy hour.  4pm at Charley's.  It's fun, all the
kids love it!


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