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Key-Jingling Incident [ The Happy Hour Archive | obereed.net ] Dan Horn returned to New York for the weekend. Find enclosed a release from the AP newswire which explains his absence. Discussion and healing session will be held at Charley's, 4:00 p.m. on Friday, October 3. MICHIGAN STUDENT CHARGED WITH NCAA VIOLATION: SCANDAL ROCKS ATHLETIC AND PSYCHOLOGY DEPARTMENTS ANN ARBOR, Oct. 1 (AP) -- Third-year Psychology Graduate student Dan Horn was named Tuesday as having violated NCAA rules during last weekend's Michigan/Notre Dame game. The charge has lead the Irish's Head Coach Bob Davie to demand the loss be stricken from the records, and the controversy threatens to mar Michigan's undefeated season. Samuel H. Smith, chair of the NCAA executive committee, announced in a press conference on Tuesday that Mr. Horn attended the game as a fan. "Early in the third quarter, Horn was seen and photographed shaking his keys on Notre Dame's third-and-five play from the Michigan 32. The distracted Notre Dame offense was flagged for a delay of game penalty, resulting in a ten-yard penalty. We feel that Mr. Horn contributed to this, and so must be considered a player." The practice of key-shaking is not uncommon in Michigan Stadium. An estimated 85,450 of the 106,455 fans in attendance at Michigan Stadium took part in this tradition at each of the opponents third "Key" downs. However, on Monday the NCAA Infractions Committee discovered that Mr. Horn had been provided food and drink by University of Michigan Boosters earlier in the semester, and they acted quickly in bringing charges against the University and Mr. Horn. Yvonne L. "Bonnie" Slatton, member of the Infractions committee, announced that two Boosters are under investigation, but have not yet been charged. NCAA considers anyone who has demonstrated an interest in an athletics program a "Booster". "Mr. Horn," she said, "reportedly ate nachos and drank Killian's Red on Friday, August 29, at the local Ann Arbor hangout "Good-Time Charley's." He was joined by, amongst others, two "boosters": Dr. Ed Smith and Dr. Denise Park. These two paid more than their fair share, which put them in violation of NCAA Division I rule 47a-6671." Both Dr Smith and Dr. Park were unavailable for comment, but it is speculated that Dr. Park, an Aging Scientist, may not have been aware of the rule. "Since she's an aging scientist, she maybe just forgot. But that Smith studies memory, so he's got no excuse." said Michigan Athletic Director Tom Goss. Mr. Horn reportedly returned to New York to spend the weekend with his family and friends, including lawyer Johnnie Cochran. Mr. Cochran's office released a statement which expressed outrage at Mr. Horn being singled out in these charges. It read, "We fail to understand why none of the other 80,000 key-jinglers were charged. Any number of these could have also been wined and dined by Drs. Smith and Park." Cochran said Wednesday in a phone interview that he was "Confident and excited" with the knowledge that famed "Judge Judy" would be presiding over the case; "I'm told she is a big Wolverine fan." He concluded, regarding his client, "Because he Jingled, he's being Singled [out ]". He also announced that George Furnas would be joining the defense team. He has created an 80,000 dimension model of the key-jingling scenario, which reportedly proves Horn's actions were inconsequential. Skeptics doubt if he will be able to use it in the defense, because due to accepted scientific laws, it won't fit in the three-dimensional courtroom. Two fellow key-jinglers were reportedly at the same Happy Hour when the initial infractions took place at. Ms. Anat Geva and Mr. Shane Mueller were at Good Time Charley's, and were sitting with Mr. Horn in Michigan Stadium at the time of the violation. Ms. Geva has reportedly fled across the border to her home in Canada. A call to the Geva Compound in Suburban Toronto was not answered, but a spokesperson for Canada, June "Moose" O'Reilly, announced that "We, your Neighbours to the North, feel that Ms. Geva was a victim of the peculiarities of American Rules Football. In Canada, key-jingling is punished by two minutes in the penalty box." She refused to comment on a possible extradition, or rumours that a swap was being arranged for former Canadian resident Jennifer Glass. Mr. Mueller, the other purported key-jingler present at Charley's, was interviewed leaving the office he shares with Horn. He said, "Like, I didn't want [to eat ] no nachos that day because I had a big lunch. I guess I just got lucky." Other members of the psychology department had mixed reactions. In a surprising show of solidarity, the Assistant Professors issued a joint statement reading, "We stand firmly behind these two esteemed members of the tenure committee. Horn was entirely at fault. Go Blue!" New student Shana Pallota was not as forgiving. "Well, I wouldn't trust any of them as far as I could throw them" was her only comment. Perhaps most painful was the comment of Dr. Smith's long-time collaborator, Dr. John Jonides. "I regret to announce that JingleGate has created a rift between us that will not heal. Ed is hereby suspended from my lab meetings until this can be fully investigated." he said Wednesday Morning. Perhaps most affected by this scandal is the Wolverine Football team. The members of the team have voluntarily painted keys on the sides of their helmets in support of Horn. Defensive Co-Captain Erik Mayes said it best: "In two weeks, we'll be back in the Big House playing our heart out for Danny. He was always behind us, and now we're behind him. It'll be Michigan Stadium, but it won't be home." Remaining members of the psychology department plan to show their solidarity by attending a Happy Hour at Good Time Charley's at 4 p.m. Friday, October 3. |