|
Mug Mugging [ The Happy Hour Archive | obereed.net ] We will convene at 5:00 at Charley's to investigate this matter. Character witnesses and anyone with evidence should plan on attending CRIME WAVE PLAGUES 4TH FLOOR--COFFEE MUG LATEST VICTIM EAST HALL, Ann Arbor (AP) Everybody knew that crime on the fourth floor of East Hall was bad, but nobody expected it to come to this. All expectations were shattered this Friday morning, when Daniel Horn found his cherished coffee mug lying in pieces on his desk. This is the latest and most serious in a string of crimes that have plagued the 4th floor, and it has left residents calling on legislators to do something--and fast. The inconsolable Mr. Horn spoke at a press conference held late Friday Morning. He stated, "I should have seen it coming. First, those Mexican dragons started falling off the walls. Then, letters started getting rearranged on the announcement board. I even thought it was funny--you should see what can be spelled with 'substantia nigra'. Now this...It's terrible...." Mr. Horn was so shaken by the tragedy that he could not continue. The only witness of the crime was Mr. Horn's office-mate, Shane Mueller. Mr. Mueller stated that he was in the office early Friday morning, and the mug was in fine condition. "I was making coffee at Dan's desk, when I felt someone or something brush up against me. I heard a crash, turned around, and saw the mug lying in pieces, right beside me. The criminal must have sneaked up behind me, attacked the cup, and run out of the office before I could see who he was." Mr. Mueller denied that he was a suspect, but authorities have told him that he should notify them if he attempts to flee the country. Mr. Horn and the cup have been together since mid-September. They met on the romantic boardwalk of New Jersey's Atlantic City, where Mr. Horn was attending the Miss America Pageant. The cup was white, with a blue star and red lettering that read, "Miss America." Mr. Horn said that the tragedy "...takes me back to that weekend in September, where I had a brush with Miss Texas Yanci Yarborough. She smelled like flowers. Those were good times." Miss Yarbourough, this year's Third runner up in the pageant, could not be reached for comment. In the face of this tragedy, the residents of the fourth floor remain united. Dr. William Gehring, who lost a picture frame and a paperweight earlier this year, spoke for the group: "In the face of this adversity, we have grown closer. We want to let the criminal element know--you can destroy our desktop knick-knacks and office paraphernalia, but you can not destroy us. Unless you get our data." We can only hope that science is not the next victim. |