Initiation of Incoming Pledges

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A Memorandum.

To:  The Brothers and Sisters of Kappa Omega Gamma (KOG) Fraternity

From:  Pledgemaster Hamilton

As concerns:  Initiation of the incoming pledge class.

Brothers and Sisters,

	As you are all aware, this coming year's pledge class looks to be
one of our best ever.  They are a well pedigreed lot that hail from some
of the finest families in the U.S.  The Minear's, for example, have
controlling stock in Nike Indonesia, were instrumental in the arms trade
with Iran and have been kind enough to donate money for a new neuroimaging
wing right here in East Hall (5 Tesla, baby!  Who gives a damn if the FDA
hasn't approved it?!).
	While the pledges appear to have amazing potential, I think we all
agree that they've got a lot to learn about how things work here at the
Michigan Chapter of KOG.  A few in particular need some polishing before
they can be considered our equals.  To this end, I've planned some
initiation activities for a few of our pledges that should serve to make
our way of doing things apparent to them.  In particular, the pledges Tor
Wager, Matt Jones, Leon Gmeindl and Angela Hall will undergo some sort of
initiation/remediation.  I know I can count on assistance from each of
you.  Your unwavering commitment to The House makes me proud to call
myself a Kappa. 

**** Pledge Initiation Activities ****

	Angela Hall (nickname:  Bowling Betty).  Angela is a great kid. 
I'm as sure as I can be that she will be an outstanding member of the
Kappa community.  Her Achilles Heel though:  she can't pound the brew like
a Kappa.  She claims she "doesn't like the taste."  If there's one thing
that Angela better get straight it's that before all else, there is beer.
I really can't emphasize this point enough.  I think a handy little
mnemonic device/creedo/mantra to pack around during one's five or so years
at the Michigan KOG House is: If you come here, You drink beer.  Plain and
simple.  One very easy way to get Angela to start liking beer is to shift
her taste set point a bit.  Let me explain with an example.  Let's say we
were all at a happy hour and Angela orders, as usual, a ginger ale.  But,
unbeknownst to Angela, we've switched the usual ginger ale served at
Charley's with a nasty little concoction composed of carbonated water that
has been sitting in one of Dave Meyer's old, stanky canvas high tops for a
few weeks.  This brew will look a lot like ginger ale given that it will
have acquired a certain yellow-brownishness from Dave's size 14s but, lo,
it will most definitely not taste like ginger ale.  The intense taste
trauma induced by just one swig of our Meyer Brand Ginger Ale will make
all other drinks, including beer, pond water and gorilla sweat, taste like
sweet ambrosia. 

Tor Wager (nickname:  Mountain Goat).  I think we were all impressed by
this golden boy's athleticism and polished demeanor during Rush Week.  He
comes from the high country of Colorado and Wyoming and has impressive leg
strength.  I worry, though, about his bench press.  Most of the bros in
The House are pushing close to 250 and I don't think Tor is close to this
mark.  My plan to remediate this situation is a little physical challenge
I call "The Bronco."  For the first semester of his pledgeship, when in
the presense of a KOG brother or sister, Tor will have to hit all fours
and "saddle up."  This will entail carrying any bro or sis to their given
destination (be it Forum or Mitch's) horsey style.  If he resists, I will
be glad to put on my spurs, cinch up the flank strap and "buck him out."
This activity should get those pecs bulging in no time.

Matt Jones (nickname:  The Drowsy Drifter).  Matt is a brilliant guy.  His
beard gives him a mystical combination of philosophical and analytical
power.  The fact is, though, Matt likes to sleep at inappropriate times
and this will upset the natural flow of things here at Kappa House.  I
think we can cure Matt of this ailment through a rigorous, one-trial
learning paradigm that I've developed.  It goes something like this.  Next
year during the first evening of Psychonomics, some of the sisters will
slip Matt a Mickey in his shot of vodka, rendering him unconscious for
a few days.  He will awaken wearing a pink ball gown and heels and will be
propped up against a podium on a stage on which we will have scheduled him
to give a talk on EEG patterns during REM sleep (to further enforce the
negative association to sleeping).  He will be waking up with the roosters
from this day onward.

Leon Gmeindl (nickname:  Leon the Neon Geon).  Leon's my main man.  I've
partied with Leon.  Leon's one of the good guys.  He saved my ass in Nam. 
But we've got one big problem with Leon.  SOMEONE TAUGHT HIM THE SECRET
KOG HANDSHAKE! (I have a hunch who the culprit is, but we'll leave that
for another time.)  Not to fear though. In addition to being a great
scientist, my advisor, Thad Polk is also a brilliant scientologist.  Thad
has offered his services to our organization and will be happy to remove
the Secret Handshake Engram from Leon's mind-brain.  The trick will be to
get Leon hooked up to Thad's Class Seven Auditor, Engram Removal Device. 
My solution is simplicity itself.  If there are two things I know about
Leon, they are that he likes beer and he likes girls.  So I say, why not
give Leon a girl made out of frozen beer?  He won't be able to resist
kissing her and when he does he's going to taste that delicious beer.
He'll be completely soused by the time he has her face licked off and then
we'll be free to do with him as we please.  He'll wake up the next morning
crying over the melted remnants of his golden, hoppy girlfriend and having
not a bit of knowledge about our secret handshake.

	Pledge initiation and other House business will be discussed this
week at Charley's at 4 p.m.  My big bro Eric Schumacher will be there, I
am so fully stoked!!  You don't even know how cool that guy is!  So show
up and don't forget to wear your House letters and baseball caps.  We're
going to show Charley's who rocks!  Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

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