Initiation of Incoming Pledges
A Memorandum. To: The Brothers and Sisters of Kappa Omega Gamma (KOG) Fraternity From: Pledgemaster Hamilton As concerns: Initiation of the incoming pledge class. Brothers and Sisters, As you are all aware, this coming year's pledge class looks to be one of our best ever. They are a well pedigreed lot that hail from some of the finest families in the U.S. The Minear's, for example, have controlling stock in Nike Indonesia, were instrumental in the arms trade with Iran and have been kind enough to donate money for a new neuroimaging wing right here in East Hall (5 Tesla, baby! Who gives a damn if the FDA hasn't approved it?!). While the pledges appear to have amazing potential, I think we all agree that they've got a lot to learn about how things work here at the Michigan Chapter of KOG. A few in particular need some polishing before they can be considered our equals. To this end, I've planned some initiation activities for a few of our pledges that should serve to make our way of doing things apparent to them. In particular, the pledges Tor Wager, Matt Jones, Leon Gmeindl and Angela Hall will undergo some sort of initiation/remediation. I know I can count on assistance from each of you. Your unwavering commitment to The House makes me proud to call myself a Kappa. **** Pledge Initiation Activities **** Angela Hall (nickname: Bowling Betty). Angela is a great kid. I'm as sure as I can be that she will be an outstanding member of the Kappa community. Her Achilles Heel though: she can't pound the brew like a Kappa. She claims she "doesn't like the taste." If there's one thing that Angela better get straight it's that before all else, there is beer. I really can't emphasize this point enough. I think a handy little mnemonic device/creedo/mantra to pack around during one's five or so years at the Michigan KOG House is: If you come here, You drink beer. Plain and simple. One very easy way to get Angela to start liking beer is to shift her taste set point a bit. Let me explain with an example. Let's say we were all at a happy hour and Angela orders, as usual, a ginger ale. But, unbeknownst to Angela, we've switched the usual ginger ale served at Charley's with a nasty little concoction composed of carbonated water that has been sitting in one of Dave Meyer's old, stanky canvas high tops for a few weeks. This brew will look a lot like ginger ale given that it will have acquired a certain yellow-brownishness from Dave's size 14s but, lo, it will most definitely not taste like ginger ale. The intense taste trauma induced by just one swig of our Meyer Brand Ginger Ale will make all other drinks, including beer, pond water and gorilla sweat, taste like sweet ambrosia. Tor Wager (nickname: Mountain Goat). I think we were all impressed by this golden boy's athleticism and polished demeanor during Rush Week. He comes from the high country of Colorado and Wyoming and has impressive leg strength. I worry, though, about his bench press. Most of the bros in The House are pushing close to 250 and I don't think Tor is close to this mark. My plan to remediate this situation is a little physical challenge I call "The Bronco." For the first semester of his pledgeship, when in the presense of a KOG brother or sister, Tor will have to hit all fours and "saddle up." This will entail carrying any bro or sis to their given destination (be it Forum or Mitch's) horsey style. If he resists, I will be glad to put on my spurs, cinch up the flank strap and "buck him out." This activity should get those pecs bulging in no time. Matt Jones (nickname: The Drowsy Drifter). Matt is a brilliant guy. His beard gives him a mystical combination of philosophical and analytical power. The fact is, though, Matt likes to sleep at inappropriate times and this will upset the natural flow of things here at Kappa House. I think we can cure Matt of this ailment through a rigorous, one-trial learning paradigm that I've developed. It goes something like this. Next year during the first evening of Psychonomics, some of the sisters will slip Matt a Mickey in his shot of vodka, rendering him unconscious for a few days. He will awaken wearing a pink ball gown and heels and will be propped up against a podium on a stage on which we will have scheduled him to give a talk on EEG patterns during REM sleep (to further enforce the negative association to sleeping). He will be waking up with the roosters from this day onward. Leon Gmeindl (nickname: Leon the Neon Geon). Leon's my main man. I've partied with Leon. Leon's one of the good guys. He saved my ass in Nam. But we've got one big problem with Leon. SOMEONE TAUGHT HIM THE SECRET KOG HANDSHAKE! (I have a hunch who the culprit is, but we'll leave that for another time.) Not to fear though. In addition to being a great scientist, my advisor, Thad Polk is also a brilliant scientologist. Thad has offered his services to our organization and will be happy to remove the Secret Handshake Engram from Leon's mind-brain. The trick will be to get Leon hooked up to Thad's Class Seven Auditor, Engram Removal Device. My solution is simplicity itself. If there are two things I know about Leon, they are that he likes beer and he likes girls. So I say, why not give Leon a girl made out of frozen beer? He won't be able to resist kissing her and when he does he's going to taste that delicious beer. He'll be completely soused by the time he has her face licked off and then we'll be free to do with him as we please. He'll wake up the next morning crying over the melted remnants of his golden, hoppy girlfriend and having not a bit of knowledge about our secret handshake. Pledge initiation and other House business will be discussed this week at Charley's at 4 p.m. My big bro Eric Schumacher will be there, I am so fully stoked!! You don't even know how cool that guy is! So show up and don't forget to wear your House letters and baseball caps. We're going to show Charley's who rocks! Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!