Sudden Granny Death Syndrome

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This just in...

The CDC has released a warning that the current semi-annual outbreak of
Sudden Granny Death Syndrome (SGDS) is expected to be one of the worst on
record.  Florida and Arizona hospitals are reporting brisk business, with
particularly high morbidity rates.

As you probably know, at the end of each semester, around finals time, a
sudden wave of grandmother deaths rocks the student body.  Researchers are
able to predict the onset of the epidemic with incredible precision, but
are at a loss as to the etiology of the underlying malady.

"Grandmothers just start dropping like flies," states neuroscientist and
SGDS expert Christy Marschuetz who coined the term "granny season" in her
textbook "Diseases and Cognitive Impairment of Grannies."  This pattern was
first identified by college instructors nearly 3 decades ago.  It eluded
detection by the medical community, as the number of patients admitted, and
the mortality rates of those patients did not change in a systematic pattern.

It has since been hypothesized that this agent (it is unknown whether it is
viral or biotic in nature) selectively affects grandmothers and
non-grandmothers in different ways.  Specifically, it appears to enhance
the immune systems of older women who do not have grandchildren, while
wreaking havoc on the health of grandmothers.

Although there is no cure, doctors do say that reducing stress for
grandmothers, by allowing their grandchildren to have just a few more days
to finish that final paper, could reduce the likelihood of illness.  "For
my Nana's sake, please give me another week," was the conclusion of
University Sophomore Sarah Purcell, "In the name of like what we believe
or whatever, we must stop the violence."

There will be a strategy session to be held at Charley's at 4:30 to give
University researchers a chance to discuss the matter.

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