Sudden Granny Death Syndrome
This just in... The CDC has released a warning that the current semi-annual outbreak of Sudden Granny Death Syndrome (SGDS) is expected to be one of the worst on record. Florida and Arizona hospitals are reporting brisk business, with particularly high morbidity rates. As you probably know, at the end of each semester, around finals time, a sudden wave of grandmother deaths rocks the student body. Researchers are able to predict the onset of the epidemic with incredible precision, but are at a loss as to the etiology of the underlying malady. "Grandmothers just start dropping like flies," states neuroscientist and SGDS expert Christy Marschuetz who coined the term "granny season" in her textbook "Diseases and Cognitive Impairment of Grannies." This pattern was first identified by college instructors nearly 3 decades ago. It eluded detection by the medical community, as the number of patients admitted, and the mortality rates of those patients did not change in a systematic pattern. It has since been hypothesized that this agent (it is unknown whether it is viral or biotic in nature) selectively affects grandmothers and non-grandmothers in different ways. Specifically, it appears to enhance the immune systems of older women who do not have grandchildren, while wreaking havoc on the health of grandmothers. Although there is no cure, doctors do say that reducing stress for grandmothers, by allowing their grandchildren to have just a few more days to finish that final paper, could reduce the likelihood of illness. "For my Nana's sake, please give me another week," was the conclusion of University Sophomore Sarah Purcell, "In the name of like what we believe or whatever, we must stop the violence." There will be a strategy session to be held at Charley's at 4:30 to give University researchers a chance to discuss the matter.