Who Framed John Jonides?

[ The Happy Hour Archive | obereed.net ]

Hi everyone,

No doubt some of you have noticed my absence this summer (no, really,
hasn't anyone?!).  Well, contrary to popular belief, I did not:

* graduate
* drop out
* die
* marry a rich supermodel
* start my own web design company
* suffer a nervous breakdown
* join a cult
* get abducted by aliens
* take a job in indu$try
* mouth off to the wrong person

I've been holed up in top secret, hush hush talks with a large unnamed
film studio.  Apparently one of my happy hour e-mails was forwarded to
the right person, and I've been offered a lucrative six-film deal.  

Needless to say, I owe my success to all of you (well, not the first
years).  Therefore, in a show of gratitude, I've decided to include you
in my first film.  Don't worry, I won't be paying you, so you don't have
to spend lots of money on accountants and nice cars.  I'm merely
plagiarizing (read: referencing) your lives for my own profit.

You're all probably pretty excited about this wonderful opportunity, and
you should consider getting together to discuss the purchase of a very
expensive thank-you gift for me.  May I suggest meeting at 4pm on Friday
at Charley's, taking a few hours, drinking a few beers, and leafing
through the Sharper Image catalog...

As a special treat, I'm enclosing an excerpt from my first film, "Who
Framed John Jonides?"  Enjoy!



a film by Dan Horn

(in order of appearance)

Bill Gehring......................Ben Affleck
Shane Mueller.....................Steve Buscemi
Dave Meyer........................Donald Sutherland
Denise Park.......................Bebe Neuwirth
John Jonides......................Harrison Ford
Ed Smith..........................Warren Beatty
Leon Gmeindl......................Fred Savage
Paul Hamilton.....................Scary Spice
Heather Pond......................Posh Spice
Shana Pallota.....................Sporty Spice
Beth Veinott......................Lisa Welchel
Anat Geva.........................Molly Ringwald
Greg Stevens......................Rick Schroeder
Dan Horn..........................Mel Gibson
George Furnas.....................Dennis Miller
Thad Polk.........................Neil Patrick Harris

Scene One:
(4418 East Hall.  The room is packed.  There is a buzz of excitement in
the air.  BILL GEHRING is fiddling with the slide projector.  There is a
line in back for food with SHANE MUELLER in front, with a plate full of
Oreos, DAVE MEYER stands behind him, grabbing handfuls of Fig Newtons.)

BILL GEHRING (Turning on slide projector):  Yeah, that's what I 
  thought... It just needed to be rewired.  My ERP expertise sure comes 
  in handy sometimes.

(Close-up of projector screen, which reads "Where Working Memory Works: 
Neuropsychological Evidence for the Homunculus Hypothesis.  By John

DENISE PARK (Finishing the last swallow of a Tab):  Has anyone seen
  John?  We're way behind schedule.

(That moment, JOHN JONIDES runs in, out of breath and bumps into ED
SMITH who is holding a plate full of Oreos.  Needless to say, Oreos fly
every which way, making for a humorous, chaotic scene)

JOHN (grabbing ED by the shirt collar):  You've got to hide me,

ED (Brushing crumbs off his shirt):  Now just calm down John, 
  what seems to be the problem?

JOHN:  There after me, they think I...

(Just then, JOHN is silenced by the crack of a nightstick on his
occipitoparietal region.  A look of shock crosses his face before he
falls to the floor)

JOHN:  Owweee.

(In the doorway, the wielder of the nightstick, UM security lackey, LEON
GMEINDL stands menacingly)

ED:  Leon Gmeindl, I thought you were dead!

LEON:  The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.  I'm as 
  fit as a fiddle.

ED:  You and your incessant clichés... No matter.  Why did you bonk

JOHN:  Oooooooooh...

LEON:  He had it coming.  

ED:  What do you mean?  What kind of monster are you?!

LEON:  I am what I am.  I'm just doing my job.

JOHN:  Argh...

(LEON then begins to drag JOHN out the door)

PAUL HAMILTON (Jumping to his feet, along with HEATHER POND and SHANA 
  PALLOTA):  Take your hands off our area chair you creep!  

LEON (Continuing to drag JOHN):  This is none of your beeswax.

PAUL:  Let's get him girls!

(PAUL, HEATHER, and SHANA lunge at LEON.  However, their devotion to
their leader proves no match for LEON's cat-like agility.  He ducks at
just the right moment, causing the three would-be heroes to come
crashing together, bonking their frontal lobes, knocking themselves

PAUL, HEATHER, SHANA, & JOHN (In unison):  Aaaargh...

(LEON drags JOHN out, with no further trouble, as the rest of the group
rushes to the aid of the three remaining fallen psychology students)

DAVE:  I have a question... What exactly does this have to do with the
homunculus?  Doesn't an executive processor explain all the claims you
are going to make John?  John?

(Fade to black)

Scene Two:
(4436 East Hall, DAN HORN, BETH VEINOTT and SHANE's office.  Present are
BETH, ANAT GEVA, SHANE, and GREG STEVENS.  The mood is somber, as SHANE
paces back and forth)

SHANE (Addressing the group):  It just doesn't add up.  I can't figure
  it out.  Why would anyone want to grab John?

ANAT:  I'm afraid I may know.

BETH:  Why?

SHANE:  Yes, don't keep us waiting woman, what do you know?

ANAT:  Well, I didn't think anything of it at the time, but...

BETH, SHANE, and GREG:  Yes...

ANAT:  I think someone is trying to frame John for the disappearance of
  dozens of delicious sandwiches and salads from the food club.

BETH:  Oh my, I have to sit down!

GREG:  No, it can't be true, not our John.  There must be some mistake.

SHANE:  But if he is responsible, I hope he gets what he deserves.  
  Those sandwiches are meant for good, honest people.  People who keep
  their accounts up to date.  People who work hard for their money, who
  are just trying to eke out a meager living.  Sure, those people may
  not amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, but it's their 
  hill, and there beans, and they deserve to be able to eat those beans
  with a healthy, nutritious sandwich or salad of their choosing.  They
  shouldn't be subjected to the tyranny of some common thief.  Oh the
  humanity of it all.  I think I shall be ill.

ANAT (Helping SHANE to a chair):  Of course, we all agree with you.
  But I'm certain John isn't the culprit, he's being framed.  But I
  can't prove it.  

GREG:  We need someone who can stand up to the forces of evil, and get
to the bottom of this.  We need...

(As if waiting outside for this very moment, DAN HORN steps into the

DAN:  A hero?

GREG:  Yes, a hero.

BETH:  Oh, thank God, Dan will straighten everything out.

(Fade to black)

Scene three:
(The secret lab of GEORGE FURNAS, its unknown to nearly all East Hall
denizens.  GEORGE, wearing a white lab coat stands peering into a

DAN (Entering through the hidden entrance):  Dr. Furnas.  I need your

GEORGE:  I heard about today's forum.  I've already prepared some new
  toys for you.

DAN:  I knew I could count on you.

(GEORGE then proceeds to show DAN an assortment of high-tech gadgetry,
including a high-powered laser pointer, capable of burning a hole
through the moon, a pair of fish-eye goggles that give their user
super-human vision, and a box of staples)

DAN:  Thanks, but I'm not sure I can carry all this and fight crime

GEORGE:  Ah, that's what this is for.

(GEORGE pulls what appears to be a 2 dimensional octagon out of his

GEORGE:  You can keep everything in this hypertetrahedron.  It utilizes
  the 4th through 17th dimensions to reduce weight and bulk.  I just
  perfected it this morning.

DAN:  Cool.

(Fade to black)

Anyway, DAN eventually uncovers an insidious plot in which the food club
sandwiches are systematically funneled to the math department in return
for spare paper from their copy room.  The spare paper is given to the
LS&A copy center in the basement in exchange for free copies which are
credited to a numbered Swiss bank account.  The money for the copies is
actually laundered and used to buy fMRI time under the name "Willy

DAN manages to contact Willy via the internet, and convinces him to set
up a meeting where he will allegedly receive stolen Jaz drives from
BILL's lab.  DAN's plan to pounce on Willy is foiled by the inept
bungling of LEON, who thinks DAN is after his stash of SuperANOVA
manuals.  However, DAN manages to learn that Willy is in fact THAD POLK.

In an action-packed finale, DAN confronts THAD in the fMRI suite, where
he finally captures THAD using a combination of guile, wit, magnetism
and staples.

Just as it appears the case has been solved, with THAD handcuffed to the
fMRI machine, THAD walks into the room with the police.  In a surprise
ending it is revealed that Willy is actually THAD's evil twin brother
TAD, and that TAD had THAD locked up in DAVE's soundproof booth in the

In the final scene, a relieved cognition faculty, led by JOHN grant DAN
a Doctorate, considering his crime-fighting a suitable replacement for a

(Fade to black)

I hope you've enjoyed this sneak preview.  And remember, in order to
have a say in what wildly expensive gift you purchase for me, you should
show up at Charley's at 4pm.

[ The Happy Hour Archive | obereed.net ]