Who Framed John Jonides?
Hi everyone, No doubt some of you have noticed my absence this summer (no, really, hasn't anyone?!). Well, contrary to popular belief, I did not: * graduate * drop out * die * marry a rich supermodel * start my own web design company * suffer a nervous breakdown * join a cult * get abducted by aliens * take a job in indu$try * mouth off to the wrong person I've been holed up in top secret, hush hush talks with a large unnamed film studio. Apparently one of my happy hour e-mails was forwarded to the right person, and I've been offered a lucrative six-film deal. Needless to say, I owe my success to all of you (well, not the first years). Therefore, in a show of gratitude, I've decided to include you in my first film. Don't worry, I won't be paying you, so you don't have to spend lots of money on accountants and nice cars. I'm merely plagiarizing (read: referencing) your lives for my own profit. You're all probably pretty excited about this wonderful opportunity, and you should consider getting together to discuss the purchase of a very expensive thank-you gift for me. May I suggest meeting at 4pm on Friday at Charley's, taking a few hours, drinking a few beers, and leafing through the Sharper Image catalog... As a special treat, I'm enclosing an excerpt from my first film, "Who Framed John Jonides?" Enjoy! Dan --- WHO FRAMED JOHN JONIDES? a film by Dan Horn CAST (in order of appearance) Bill Gehring......................Ben Affleck Shane Mueller.....................Steve Buscemi Dave Meyer........................Donald Sutherland Denise Park.......................Bebe Neuwirth John Jonides......................Harrison Ford Ed Smith..........................Warren Beatty Leon Gmeindl......................Fred Savage Paul Hamilton.....................Scary Spice Heather Pond......................Posh Spice Shana Pallota.....................Sporty Spice Beth Veinott......................Lisa Welchel Anat Geva.........................Molly Ringwald Greg Stevens......................Rick Schroeder Dan Horn..........................Mel Gibson George Furnas.....................Dennis Miller Thad Polk.........................Neil Patrick Harris Scene One: (4418 East Hall. The room is packed. There is a buzz of excitement in the air. BILL GEHRING is fiddling with the slide projector. There is a line in back for food with SHANE MUELLER in front, with a plate full of Oreos, DAVE MEYER stands behind him, grabbing handfuls of Fig Newtons.) BILL GEHRING (Turning on slide projector): Yeah, that's what I thought... It just needed to be rewired. My ERP expertise sure comes in handy sometimes. (Close-up of projector screen, which reads "Where Working Memory Works: Neuropsychological Evidence for the Homunculus Hypothesis. By John Jonides") DENISE PARK (Finishing the last swallow of a Tab): Has anyone seen John? We're way behind schedule. (That moment, JOHN JONIDES runs in, out of breath and bumps into ED SMITH who is holding a plate full of Oreos. Needless to say, Oreos fly every which way, making for a humorous, chaotic scene) JOHN (grabbing ED by the shirt collar): You've got to hide me, Pleeeese! ED (Brushing crumbs off his shirt): Now just calm down John, what seems to be the problem? JOHN: There after me, they think I... (Just then, JOHN is silenced by the crack of a nightstick on his occipitoparietal region. A look of shock crosses his face before he falls to the floor) JOHN: Owweee. (In the doorway, the wielder of the nightstick, UM security lackey, LEON GMEINDL stands menacingly) ED: Leon Gmeindl, I thought you were dead! LEON: The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I'm as fit as a fiddle. ED: You and your incessant clichés... No matter. Why did you bonk John? JOHN: Oooooooooh... LEON: He had it coming. ED: What do you mean? What kind of monster are you?! LEON: I am what I am. I'm just doing my job. JOHN: Argh... (LEON then begins to drag JOHN out the door) PAUL HAMILTON (Jumping to his feet, along with HEATHER POND and SHANA PALLOTA): Take your hands off our area chair you creep! LEON (Continuing to drag JOHN): This is none of your beeswax. PAUL: Let's get him girls! (PAUL, HEATHER, and SHANA lunge at LEON. However, their devotion to their leader proves no match for LEON's cat-like agility. He ducks at just the right moment, causing the three would-be heroes to come crashing together, bonking their frontal lobes, knocking themselves unconscious) PAUL, HEATHER, SHANA, & JOHN (In unison): Aaaargh... (LEON drags JOHN out, with no further trouble, as the rest of the group rushes to the aid of the three remaining fallen psychology students) DAVE: I have a question... What exactly does this have to do with the homunculus? Doesn't an executive processor explain all the claims you are going to make John? John? (Fade to black) Scene Two: (4436 East Hall, DAN HORN, BETH VEINOTT and SHANE's office. Present are BETH, ANAT GEVA, SHANE, and GREG STEVENS. The mood is somber, as SHANE paces back and forth) SHANE (Addressing the group): It just doesn't add up. I can't figure it out. Why would anyone want to grab John? ANAT: I'm afraid I may know. BETH: Why? SHANE: Yes, don't keep us waiting woman, what do you know? ANAT: Well, I didn't think anything of it at the time, but... BETH, SHANE, and GREG: Yes... ANAT: I think someone is trying to frame John for the disappearance of dozens of delicious sandwiches and salads from the food club. BETH: Oh my, I have to sit down! GREG: No, it can't be true, not our John. There must be some mistake. SHANE: But if he is responsible, I hope he gets what he deserves. Those sandwiches are meant for good, honest people. People who keep their accounts up to date. People who work hard for their money, who are just trying to eke out a meager living. Sure, those people may not amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, but it's their hill, and there beans, and they deserve to be able to eat those beans with a healthy, nutritious sandwich or salad of their choosing. They shouldn't be subjected to the tyranny of some common thief. Oh the humanity of it all. I think I shall be ill. ANAT (Helping SHANE to a chair): Of course, we all agree with you. But I'm certain John isn't the culprit, he's being framed. But I can't prove it. GREG: We need someone who can stand up to the forces of evil, and get to the bottom of this. We need... (As if waiting outside for this very moment, DAN HORN steps into the room) DAN: A hero? GREG: Yes, a hero. BETH: Oh, thank God, Dan will straighten everything out. (Fade to black) Scene three: (The secret lab of GEORGE FURNAS, its unknown to nearly all East Hall denizens. GEORGE, wearing a white lab coat stands peering into a microscope) DAN (Entering through the hidden entrance): Dr. Furnas. I need your help. GEORGE: I heard about today's forum. I've already prepared some new toys for you. DAN: I knew I could count on you. (GEORGE then proceeds to show DAN an assortment of high-tech gadgetry, including a high-powered laser pointer, capable of burning a hole through the moon, a pair of fish-eye goggles that give their user super-human vision, and a box of staples) DAN: Thanks, but I'm not sure I can carry all this and fight crime effectively. GEORGE: Ah, that's what this is for. (GEORGE pulls what appears to be a 2 dimensional octagon out of his pocket) GEORGE: You can keep everything in this hypertetrahedron. It utilizes the 4th through 17th dimensions to reduce weight and bulk. I just perfected it this morning. DAN: Cool. (Fade to black) Anyway, DAN eventually uncovers an insidious plot in which the food club sandwiches are systematically funneled to the math department in return for spare paper from their copy room. The spare paper is given to the LS&A copy center in the basement in exchange for free copies which are credited to a numbered Swiss bank account. The money for the copies is actually laundered and used to buy fMRI time under the name "Willy Wundt." DAN manages to contact Willy via the internet, and convinces him to set up a meeting where he will allegedly receive stolen Jaz drives from BILL's lab. DAN's plan to pounce on Willy is foiled by the inept bungling of LEON, who thinks DAN is after his stash of SuperANOVA manuals. However, DAN manages to learn that Willy is in fact THAD POLK. In an action-packed finale, DAN confronts THAD in the fMRI suite, where he finally captures THAD using a combination of guile, wit, magnetism and staples. Just as it appears the case has been solved, with THAD handcuffed to the fMRI machine, THAD walks into the room with the police. In a surprise ending it is revealed that Willy is actually THAD's evil twin brother TAD, and that TAD had THAD locked up in DAVE's soundproof booth in the basement. In the final scene, a relieved cognition faculty, led by JOHN grant DAN a Doctorate, considering his crime-fighting a suitable replacement for a dissertation. (Fade to black) I hope you've enjoyed this sneak preview. And remember, in order to have a say in what wildly expensive gift you purchase for me, you should show up at Charley's at 4pm.