The Cognitive Deli Menu

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Dearest Colleagues,

	Around this time next year, I will have failed my preliminary
exams and will be looking for some way to support myself so that I can
continue to live the country club lifestyle to which I have become
accustomed here in Michigan.  I will most certainly return to the West. 
The question is:  How can I turn my time at Michigan into a few greenbacks
so I can still eat the Extra Fancy Style Vienna Sausages and maybe get one
of those massager head attachments for my shower?  The answer is that I
can open up the best damn deli in the Intermountain West! 

	In sticking with the spirit of the Eastern Deli, I will name all
of my sandwiches after the wacky people who influenced their creation.  Of
course, individuals in the Cognition and Perception area will be well
represented.  Here is a sampler from the sandwich menu: 


Frank's Easy Decision.  It has been established that, when deciding among
alternatives, people prefer the one that closes as few doors as possible
to them.  That's what this sandwich is all about.  It has just about
everything you find at a deli so you don't feel like you're missing out on
anything.  It's got proscuitto, free-range chicken, caged chicken, low-fat
beef flank, lard, tapioca pudding, cheese with holes in it, cheese without
holes in it, stuff that's been approved by the FDA, stuff that hasn't been
approved by the FDA, and you know what?  A chicken butt.  Comes either sub
style or club-sandwich style.  Yum!

Pastrami Reuter-Lorenz.  That Patti is a pastrami junkie!  How many times
have we gone to the fourth floor fridge and found her "sampling" the food
club pastrami sandwiches for "quality."  "I'm from New York!  I know a
thing or two about pastrami!  I'm just looking out for you guys!" she
says.  The funny thing is, she's telling the truth.  To keep herself sane
while she was striving for tenure, Patti took up the hobby of aging and
curing her own pastrami.  She started out with one of those "Make Your Own
Pastrami" kits you see going around during the holidays but she climbed
the steep pastrami learning slope quickly and has come up with a really
tasty recipe that she has agreed to share with me.  Comes sliced thin and
served up between two slices of white-matter bread that are cut down the
middle with surgical precision.  How's that for a sandwich!

Smitty's Sudden Switch.  If you think Ed's research focus changed gears
quickly, then wait 'til you taste this sandwich!  If you start eating at
one corner of the sandwich you'll taste yummy tuna salad on whole wheat; 
but once you get toward the middle.....whop! boom! bam! it's corned beef
on challah, sweetheart!  Be careful of this one! 

Thad's F-M-R-I-B-Q.  Ever wonder what one of Thad's fMRI subjects looks
like after four or five hours in the scanner?  If you are particularly
bold then you'll give this little number a look-see.  What we've done is
both ingenious and delicious.  We've taken a standard wood-burning cooking
stove and ran many loops of large diameter, liquid helium-cooled platinum
wire around it.  We heat the stove up with some kerosene soaked hickory
chips and then put a plump beef roast in.  When the roast is heated to 300
degrees we run a current through the super-cooled wire that creates a
whopping 25 Tesla magnetic field that is centered in the oven.  This field
is strong enough to actually rip the roast apart and align the beef
molecules along the magnetic lines of force.  This makes the beef tender
and juicy.  Comes on white Wonder Bread with potato salad.  Pow!

Billy G's Wyatt E.R.P. Headcheese & Lettuce.  This one's a simple yet
scrumdillyumptious favorite.  We start out with an entire pig's head and
bake it to crispy, golden perfection.  Then we put twelve evenly spaced
"recording channels" of barbeque sauce on top of the pig's head; over this
we arrange several lettuce leaves to form a "cap."  Comes on a toasted
bagel.  This on is a favorite among the youngsters.  Think about it.  What
do kids like more than eating headcheese while pretending to collect their
own data?

Nothin' But A Zhang Thang.  You know that yummy Chinese cuisine that you
see Jun eating in the commons sometimes?  Well, this sandwich has some of
that with a little ketchup on it.  The really neat thing about this
sandwich is the bread.  In a demonstration of great mental stamina, Jun
successfully computed the integral of rice pudding and came up with
two-dimensional rye bread! The nice thing about this bread is that it
tastes great yet has no calories given that it is two dimensional and thus
occupies no space.  If you're worried about not getting filled up, don't
be.  Jun taught me how to serve this baby up in four dimensions (!) so
you'll be able to enjoy it as many times as you like!  Now that's a


	This Friday at 4:00 at Good Time Charley's I'll be giving out free
samples of a couple of the desserts we'll be serving.  Come on over and
have a taste of our newest additions.  We'll be serving Blond Jonides -
Greek-style blondies from the old country; and Colleen's Compote - a
midwestern favorite.  See ya there!

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