Dave's Believe it...Or NOT!
[ The Happy Hour
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From email@example.com Fri Oct 3 14:28:47 1997
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 22:08:37 -0400 (EDT)
From: "David E. Meyer"
To: Dan Horn
Cc: firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Additional required reading for attendance at Happy Hour
On Thu, 25 Sep 1997, Dan Horn wrote:
> For those of you who've been coming to happy hour, it is common knowledge
> that we've discovered some interesting facts about members of our area.
> For those of you who haven't been coming, I figured I'd let you in on a few
> of these secrets.
BUT WHAT DAN DIDN'T MENTION WAS THAT THERE ARE EVEN MORE SECRETS TO KNOW:
> FACT: Our own THAD POLK is world renown as the cuter half of the Amazin'
> Tap Dancin' Polk Twins (as seen on TV).
INDEED, THOSE WHO KNOW HIM REALLY WELL ALWAYS CALL HIM "POLK CHOPS".
> FACT: BILL GEHRING is reportedly able to enter a Zen-like state under
> which he has no measurable ERP activity.
BILL LEARNED THIS FROM WATCHING HIS STUDENTS DURING PSYCH. 340 CLASSES.
> FACT: PATTI REUTER-LORENZ paid her way through graduate school as a
> musical Brainette, singing and dancing with her trademark glasses at
> weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Although it wasn't until she teamed up with
> COLLEEN SEIFERT and DENISE PARK, under the management of DAVE MEYER that
> she hit it big.
THE BRAINETTES HAVE NOW REPLACED THEIR FIRST MANAGER WITH SOMEBODY WHO
HAS MORE BETTER MUSICAL TASTE AND MORE BUSINESS SENSE, JUST LIKE ANOTHER
WELL-KNOWN (BRITISH) ROCK GROUP DID DURING THE '60S.
> FACT: Although we don't like to brag, SHANE MUELLER and I have a personal
> e-mail correspondance with the current MISS AMERICA.
MISS AMERICA HAS JUST JOINED AMERICA OFF-LINE.
> FACT: Although there is little scientific evidence, ANDREA MOSMANN claims
> that she knows someone who met the legendary MAN FROM NANTUKET, (who by the
> way is married to a LADY FROM REGINA).
ON THE BASIS OF GREATER SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE, ANDREA PATALANO CLAIMS THAT
SHE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO MET THE EVEN MORE LEGENDARY MAN FROM TEKUTNAN (WHO,
BY THE WAY, IS MARRIED TO A LADY WITH ANGINA.)
> FACT: In some countries HEATHER POND is thought to be able to relieve
> headaches with a simple stare. And interestingly, I use to fish at the
> Heather Pond when I was a kid.
POND FOR POND, HEATHER'S OUR FROND.
> FACT: DAVE MEYER is scheduled to play DONALD SOUTHERLAND in the 1998
> summer film, "My Life, My Beard."
UNFORTUNATELY, AFTER HIS TERMINATION BY THE BRAINETTES, DAVE'S BANK
ACCOUNT WILL NEVER BE AS BIG AS DONALD'S (I.E., SOUTHERLAND, NEVER MIND
> FACT: ED SMITH is immune to the Stroop effect. It is thought that this
> may be due to a bite by a RADIOACTIVE SPIDER.
JUST GOES TO SHOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STAY AROUND THE PET SUITE TOO LONG.
> FACT: WINSTON SEICK is an anagram for "Sicken Its Own" and "Stoic New Skin."
"DAN HORN" IS NEARLY AN ANAGRAM FOR "NON-ORDINARY".
> FACT: ANAT GEVA's working memory is entirely semantically based, she does
> not show a phonological similarity effect.
ANAT ALWAYS FIRST ASKS WINSTON ABOUT HER STATISTICAL QUESTIONS BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN TOLD IN LAB MEETINGS TO "SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND."
> FACT: JOHN JONIDES's last name sounds like someone saying "do you need us"
> really, really fast.
JONIDES FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE DEVELOPED VERY LOW REHEARSAL RATES AND SMALL
VERBAL WORKING-MEMORY SPANS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO VOLUNTEER THEIR
SERVICES EVERY TIME THEY INTRODUCED THEMSELVES TO STRANGERS.
> FACT: After years of practice, DAVE FENCSIK no longer needs to use his
> occipital lobe, all visual functioning occurs in some leftover regions of
> his frontal lobe.
DAVE, WHO WORKS IN THE BCA (THAT'S "BRAIN, COGNITION, AND ACTION") LAB
WITH TRAVIS SEYMOUR -- A FENCER WHO FORMERLY FENCED WITH FENCSIK BUT
RECENTLY RETIRED AFTER AN UNFORTUNATE FENCSINGK ACCIDENT -- NO LONGER HAS
AN OCCIPITAL LOBE TO USE. TOO MUCH "ACTION" AND NOT ENOUGH "BRAIN" OR
"COGNITION" IN THAT LAB. (CURSORS, FOILED AGAIN.)
> FACT: If his name were legal in Scrabble, JUN ZHANG would be worth 28
> points (assuming no bonus squares).
JUN AND RICH GONZALEZ, WHO WILL BE TEAM-TEACHING FUTURE MATH PSYCH.
COURSES, ANTICIPATE THAT IF ALL OF THEIR NAMES ARE LEGALIZED,
THEY CAN ALSO FORM A NEW SCRABBLE DYNASTY.
> FACT: A songwriter, TRAVIS SEYMOUR is capable of writing lyrics about
> women who "done him wrong."
NOT ANY MORE; WHEN TRAVIS'S FOIL WENT AWRY, SO DID FENCSIK'S. TOUCHE'
> FACT: GARY and JUDY OLSON have found it more efficient to share a single,
> super huge brain.
ANN LANDER'S HAS FORECAST THAT THE OLSON'S WILL SPLIT UP WHEN THEY HEAR
ABOUT THE MOST RECENT RESULTS REPORTED AT PATTI REUTER-LORENZ'S LAST
> FACT: GEORGE FURNAS is ANAT GEVA and CHRISTY MARSHEUTZ's academic cool
> older brother.
DAVE MEYER IS ACTIVELY RECRUITING GEVA AND MARSHEUTZ FOR PRINCIPAL ROLES
IN HIS NEXT ROCK GROUP, THE NEW CHRISTY BRAINETTES.
> FACT: Newcomer, RICK GONZALEZ doesn't even like statistics. On his vita
> he was referring to his uncanny ability to remember batting averages.
IF ALL GOES WELL WITH HIM AND JUN, RICK'S VITA WILL ALSO SOON BE LISTING
HIS ASTRONOMICAL SCRABBLE SCORES SOON.
> FACT: In her spare time, BETH VEINOTT picks up extra money wrestling
> crocadiles and undergraduates. She's undefeated.
BETH IS CURRENTLY AUDITIONING FOR A PART AS AN UNDERSTUDY TO LINDA
KOZLOWSKI, PAUL HOGAN'S WIFE, IN "CROCODILE DUNDEE IV". MEANWHILE, JUST IN
CASE THE PART FALLS THROUGH, FOR PAY SHE'S ALSO TUTORING THE REPORTER OF
THE ABOVE FACT ABOUT HOW TO SPELL.
> FACT: STEVE MAREN screams like a girl when he sees a mouse. He writes off
> his research costs as "therapy."
DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO "MARENATE" SOMEBODY BEFORE HE'S BEEN ATTENDING THE
C & P FORUM FOR AT LEAST THREE YEARS.
> FACT: In his younger days ERIC SCHUMACHER was seen running through the
> campus of UCLA with a big "Who loves ya Hal? We Do!" sign.
WHEN ERIC APPLIES FOR HIS FIRST ACADEMIC JOB AT UCSD, HE'LL BE DOING THE
SAME THING THERE TOO.
> FACT: The average HUMAN HEAD weighs 8 pounds, yet ANDREA MILLER's weighs
> nearly 8.5.
AFTER READING THE ABOVE FACT, DAVE MEYER IMMEDIATELY SIGNED UP ANDREA TOO
FOR THE NEW CHRISTY BRAINETTES.
> FACT: Both PAULs have facial hair. And neither one has a British accent.
PAULS WITH BRITISH ACCENTS DON'T HAVE FACIAL HAIR (CF. "RUBBER SOUL").
> FACT: GREG STEVENS had a secretary named HEDDEN and TREY HEDDEN had a
> secretary named STEVENS.
TIME TO HEDDEN THEM OFF AT THE PASS.
> FACT: CERITA JONES has such poor multitasking abilities that she has to
> pull off to the side of the road to adjust the volume on her car radio.
CERITA'S TRIPS TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HER
MULTI-TASKING ABILITIES; THEY'RE JUST BECAUSE OF THE IRKONOMICS IN THE
FORD CONTOUR THAT SHE BOUGHT FROM HER CURRENT EMPLOYER
(A TO-REMAIN-ANONYMOUS AUTO MANUFACTURER).
> FACT: FRANK YATES and ANDREA PATALANO can never decide where to eat.
FRANK AND ANDREA NEVER EAT.
> FACT: JEN GLASS can summon horses with her mind.
ACTUALLY, JEN IS JUST A VENTRILOQUIST;THEY CALL HER "THE HORSE WHISPERER".
> FACT: Both SHANAs are genetically engineered miracles of biotechnology,
> designed to withstand a nuclear blast. Interestingly, the same can be said
> about Tupperware.
SHA-NA-NA, THE WELL-KNOWN RETRO-ROCK GROUP, WILL BE APPEARING WITH THE NEW
CHRISTY BRAINETTES AT ONE OF NEXT YEAR'S FORUMS.
> Learn about these interesting facts, and more at this week's happy hour!
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET....
> A note to the few of you who STILL haven't shown up. Please, please
> consider all the work I go through to shirk my research responsibilities
> once a week and slave over this hot computer, writing an e-mail for you.
> This is the thanks I get? Oy!
YEP, THEM'S THE APPLES.
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