Re: The Next Happy Hour Email
[ The Happy Hour Archive | obereed.net ]
Hi all, Due to Dan and Shane's recent hospitalization, there will be no Happy Hour email this week. After the paramedics cleared out of the office, I found the following correspondence at the computer Dan was using. I think they were attempting to collaborate, and what follows is the unfinished manuscript. See you there. Beth (Dan and Shane's Officemate) ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > On Sat, 10 Oct 1998, Shane Thomas Mueller wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > Hey Dan, > > > > > > > > Why don't you write a happy hour email for Friday. I've got a big > > > > Probability test on Friday coming and I'm all out of funny. > > > > > > > > Stm... > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > On Sat, 10 Oct 1998, Dan Horn wrote: > > > > > > Shane, old buddy, > > > > > > Why do you think I left for the summer? I ran out of funny a long time > > > ago. I'm surprised the rest of the area didn't realize that we'd been > > > rehashing the same tired old premises. Come on, Psychology films, tv > > > shows, songs, haiku... And what do we get? Thanks? Praise? Adulation? > > > A .1 appointment as humor consultants? Nothing. Heck, most of the > > > faculty don't even come to happy hour. > > > > Why should we continue with this fruitless endeavor? > > > > > > > > Dan ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > On Sun, 11 Oct 1998, Shane Thomas Mueller wrote: > > > > Dan, > > You can't get blood from a turnip. But think about the children. They > > are our future, and if we don't excite them about experimental psychology > > at a young age, they might end up as Doctors or Lawyers or (God forbid) > > Civil Engineers. I understand this is a sacrifice we are making, but if we > > don't do it, who will? Who will answer the call? Who will answer? Who? > > So write a funny email, Dan. Write like you have never written before. > > Turn on the humour, get the funny juices flowing. WRITE, DAMN IT!!! > > Write as if our future depends on it, Dan, because--it does. > > > > > > Here's a couple ideas: > > "Funny things psychologists say." > > "Funny things psychologists do." > > "Funny things people say about psychologists." > > "Ten Best Responses for when someone thinks you are a clinician." > > "If Psychologists ruled the world." > > "You might be a Cognitive Neuroscientist If...." > > "Top ten ways to get Shane a date" (Not about psychology, but FUNNY.) > > "Everything I ever really needed to know, I learned in Psychology 340" > > "If God were a Cognitive Scientist" > > "On the next Jerry Springer, Cognitive Psychologists." > > "Twelve sure-fire tips for getting tenure in a psychology dept." > > "Dan and Shane's email correspondence Re: The Next Happy Hour Email" > > > > Good luck, > > > > Stm... ------------------------------------------------------------------- > On Mon, 12 Oct 1998, Dan Horn wrote: > > Shane, > > > > What the hell does this have to do with turnips? > > > > You've got a lot of chutzpa to think that I'm gonna work my tuchas off to > > give them some nuchas. > > > > I believe the children are our future. I know we should teach them well > > and let them lead the way. But on the other hand, why us? Why now? Can't > > Ed invent some new area of psychology again? Can't Dave turn some of his > > Pashler hatred toward Barney? Can't Thad tap dance his way into the > > hearts of America's youth? Can't we all get along? > > > > What about sending out a repeat. The book of memory was damn funny the > > first time. And it has a moral. Heck, you can even change the title. No > > one will even notice. I have a theory that nobody even reads these > > messages anymore. > > > > And please, who would find a bunch of e-mails between us even remotely > > funny? > > > > Cynically, > > Dan ------------------------------------------------------------------- > On Tue, 13 Oct 1998, Shane Thomas Mueller wrote: > > > Dan, > > > > You lazy bastard! Stop making excuses and write an Email. You don't want > > to have to make me come all the way over to the other side of the office > > and actually speak to you in person, do you? Cuz it won't be pretty if > > that happens, that's all I can say. > > > > Anyway, You have got a lot of cheetoz to think that I'm going to work my > > tacos off to give them some nachos. > > > > Stm... ------------------------------------------------------------------- On Tue, 13 Oct 1998, Dan Horn wrote: > Shane, you ignorant slut, > > How about "Cognitive Insults?" Here are a few to get you started: > > Shane is so dumb that he only has two neurons, and one of them is > inhibitory. > > Shane is so ugly that he'd evoke a P300 in a blindsight patient. > > Now leave me alone and write your damn e-mail. I have more important > things to do you big dummy. And don't you dare come over to my side of > the office, otherwise I'll have Beth go Kahneman and Tversky on your sorry > butt. > > Your intellectual superior, > Dan ------------------------------------------------------------------- On Thu, 13 Oct 1998, Shane Mueller wrote: Dear Dan, If you have noticed how I haven't been speaking to you the last couple days, its because I'm afraid that it would lower my IQ. Here are a few questions for you: Q: How do you tell the difference between Dan and a geon? A: A geon is funny. Q: How do you know Dan doesn't have a homunculus? A: Because a homunculus can read, write, make decisions, and dynamically recruit brain resources for complex tasks. Your pal, Stm... ------------------------------------------------------------------- On Thu, 13 Oct 1998, Dan Horn wrote: Shane, I'm sick of you. I knew that having a collostomy patient in my office was a bad idea. Dammit, why don't you just go for it and get the whole damn lobotomy? I'm sure you can grow your bangs to hide the scar. You can just take your sorry homunculus-wearing, Wason card task-failing, Sarah Purcell-watching, probability-matching self out of here. Get out of my office. Hey--don't come over here. Stay on your side of the office! Aafjd;kllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll